Warrior Number Eight

"Growing up in the Middle East, Cairo Egypt to be exact, I had a normal teenage life. I had friends for days. I had the boyfriend girlfriend experience couple of times. I had everything a teenager has. From first world problem breakups to rumors and gossips behind my back by my own friends. One day I decided that I've been under too much stress and bullshit. I prayed to leave the country and nonstoppingly I found a way. Now I'm here in the US. This might sound like a happy story but it's not. Suddenly everything that connected me to home disappeared. Best friends became strangers. Some even talked shit. Sisters caught up in their own life. And I suddenly realized I'm alone. I tried dating for fun, specifically a Russian 26-year-old, who couldn't take no for an answer. I was sexually harassed. I was abused. Then I entered a new era of my life, a mental illness I call my anxiety. Sadly some people think that everyone gets anxiety and being anxious is normal. But I am here to tell you that there are levels to what anxiety can do. Anxiety became the reason why I eat alone, so no one can see me. Anxiety is the reason why I think it's better if I just shut up but don't, and take it a bit too far in arguments. Anxiety is the reason why every word anyone says to me is repeatedly analyzed and broken down to a meaning that might not be even true. Anxiety is the reason I can't go to the gym, because I can't undo the weight I put on. Anxiety tells me "well you can't lose the weight, so go eat so you can feel better about yourself". Anxiety keeps me in bed on the days I want to get up and go for a run. And most importantly, anxiety is the reason why I think therapists are not helpful. It tells me repeatedly that I pay for you to care about my problems. It tells me I don't matter and because no one cares I try to seek a friend I pay. Cause what is a friend but someone you share stories with? My anxiety doesn't want me to reveal feelings of love, trust and affection anymore cause it blames me for trying to be independent. "Why couldn't you just be like everyone else from back home?, you could've still had your friends. You could've still had a boyfriend that left you when long distance killed his love for you. You could've had it all". And then the silence rings and I question my existence."

​-Anonymous