Expostulations

I always tell people that the worst days of our lives are beautiful. I get strange glances when i say that, but i know it to be true. I know that sometimes i don't feel the sunshine on my face. I feel no joy. I feel nothing. But i always remember in retrospect that those days are simultaneously the best days and the worst days of my life. They are the most opaquely beautiful ones that i could ever have. I am lucky to be able to perfectly articulate how i feel in moments of weakness-even the moments that seem to last for days. It is a suffocation one comes to know very well. Ironically, It becomes like the air you breathe. It is the inability to think functional thoughts. The feeling of your stomach dragging on the floor. It is a heartbeat so rapid that it temporarily feels as though it has left your heart cavity. It is metaphorically being in the fetal position, clutching your knees and silently screaming for someone to come and hold you until it's over, but knowing that the person who saves you will always have to be yourself. It's the days you look up at the sky and ask the universe to give you a crystal ball that will answer all of life's unanswerable questions because all you want in that moment is just one second of clarity. You need the crystal ball to tell you to move forward. To tell you that this is all happening for only the best and most beautiful reasons and to remind you that you will have all you ever need one day-even though right now you don't even know what you want. You need the crystal ball to tell you to breathe because it is only a bad day and never will it be a bad life, and to tell you that all of your missing pieces only exist to prepare you for the new pieces to come that will make you better, stronger, and happier. Perhaps those pieces silently exist as a reminder of where you have been. Maybe they do not exist for the purpose of examination or fixation. And maybe, if all of that is true, then we don't need a crystal ball after all.
Truthfully, i can't tell any of you why any given thing has happened in your life. All i can tell you is that you don't need a crystal ball. And i can tell you that maybe it is true that no one understands you and your struggles like you understand yourself, but i can tell you that every human being has that in common. I need myself because i know myself, just as you need you and you know yourself.
You are the sunshine on your face. You are your strength. You are your crystal ball. You are your compassion. You are your light, and you are all of your pieces no matter how broken or flawed they are.
You are you, and you are enough.