I feel like i haven't wrote in ages.
I kept telling myself it was because i didn't have time. But i know now that was not the reason my hands hadn't touched my keyboard. Lately, i haven't felt like myself. I haven't had the same inspiration that propels me forward. I haven't had the same passion for philosophical contemplation. I kept asking myself why. Why can't i write? Have i lost my touch? Have i lost the ability to write clearly about the things that matter to me? For a while, i thought the answer to that question was yes. Fortunately for me though, i now know that i was wrong. That previous nagging and self loathing has been alleviated. The only question left standing is when the hell did that happen? This is one of those questions that i have no answer to. All i know is that my inspiration may have been hiding, but it has always been with me. Maybe it was reinstated into consciousness when i stood front row at the Blink 182 concert on the weekend, or when i was standing on the coast of Vancouver staring out at all of the oceans metaphorical beauty. I guess after the last month of having so much to do and not enough time, of feeling overwhelmed and helpless, of feeling like a spinning top that was so dizzy but just kept whirling and twirling, and of feeling unable to continue, i finally just realized that i already was continuing. I was already doing everything i could be. I finally realized that the fact of the matter was that i was enough. I was more than enough and i always have been.
Plainly put, there has been times i thought i couldn't continue, but i did. Not all of me believes in myself all the time. There are days when the devil on my shoulder is sabotaging my every move. The negativity practically eats me alive. It's paralyzing and terrifying. Remembering that the devil on my shoulder only owns a piece of me is what keeps me going. The angel on the other shoulder that believes in me and wants me to succeed is still there. She always has been, and she always wins. I just have to let her. I have to know that she's there even when i don't feel her. I have to believe in that piece of me even when i don't know how. That's the piece of me that was missing the last few months and my environment isn't to blame. My family isn't to blame. My friends aren't to blame. I am to blame. Not because i made a mistake or because i was in the process of learning, but because i forgot to do the one thing that stands above all else in importance. I forgot to believe in the better part of me. I forgot to believe in my angel winged shoulder. I forgot to believe in me.
A word of advice to anyone reading this. Don't lose the angel on your shoulder. Don't lose the continual fire inside of you because of a temporary shower. Just keep fighting. Life is not always straight forward. It is not always fair. It does not always give you what you want. But, with all of that in mind, i do promise that it will teach you something everyday. It will give you lessons that will guide you through every obstacle. You just have to be open to learning and be open to the fact that with all of the awesomeness that you are, there will always be a piece of you that wants to sabotage your growth. Don't fret, that's normal. Sometimes that voice will be the only one you hear. It might drowned out all of the other ones. But that doesn't mean that you forget that the other ones exist. it doesn't mean that your angel winged shoulder is gone. It just means that you can't see it right now. It's a test. So believe in all that you are, and write it.
My name is Morgan and I have a passion for writing, just as I have a passion for supporting those that suffer from various mental health concerns. I fully believe that each day is brand new and we can do with it as we wish. Mental illness is crippling, and you may lose the battle but that does not mean that you will lose the war. Keep fighting and know that you are not, and never will be, alone.