They say to find something good in every day. This morning, i was convinced that there was no good that could come from my melancholic madness. I found myself nearly giving up before i got out of bed. I didn't want to, and technically i didn't have to. After all, we never have to do anything that we don't want to. But today I did want to. I wanted to no matter how hard i thought it might be. At first i was certainly wrong. The day started out terribly. I forced my limp body out of bed. I was exhausted. My head was pounding, and my heart was sunk into the floor. In no time, i found myself at work. For everyone reading, i work at a youth shelter. My clients are both rewarding and frustrating simultaneously. Needless to say, one of said clients was a little less than kind to me this morning. I remember thinking to myself that the person really hurt me. I couldn't understand why a person who i had been trying to help for so long could say something so hurtful. I couldn't understand how he/she could. But, then it dawned on me. We were both struggling and we were both just trying to find the good in our day. I think for me it was easier to find that good because even though i found myself hurt in the first couple of hours, i knew that I had a job that i love on most days; a job that allows me to see the good in people even when they don't see it themselves. For me, that is somehow enough-even when it feels like it never could be.
By the middle of my day, i had found a reason to smile. I had pushed through my gut instinct to stay in bed and pretend i had no life to live and no lives to change. That in itself speaks volumes. Usually i do nothing but listen to my gut instincts. I was always told to listen to them because they are never wrong. But, today i realized that the precious gut feeling that i admired and depended on so much could in fact be wrong. Who knew that this morning following my heart instead of my gut instinct would teach me such a valuable lesson? I certainly did not. All i know is that my heart told me to fight. It told me that i had something to live for and, today, my heart was right.
I spent the majority of last week in a fritz because i was angry that my heart and my brain are always at war, but today it was my stomach and my heart that were fighting. I realized something important in the midst of the viscous chaos that is my body. I realized that the beautiful human that is me was not born a "regular" vessel. I was born in a body at war. I realized that my gut, my mind, and my heart all make me who i am because they are all fighting. After all, the fight inside my body allows me to redirect my energy and take the fight to the obstacles in my life. I call this the fight for happiness.
Now don't get me wrong, I am not free from the human tendency of second guessing and overthinking. I do not know how to make choices sometimes when i am at war with myself. What i do know though, is that no matter the struggle, i can learn from everyday and that some day ahead, these seemingly preposterous decisions will get easier, no matter what war i am fighting with myself. That is what keeps me going. It's knowing that my mind, my heart, and the knots in my stomach sometimes part ways, but they always guide me in the right direction. I just have to keep going and practice answering the important question of which organ to use at any given moment. Do i use my gut? The instinctual knowledge that there is danger in the world that needs to be avoided? Do i listen to my mind? The rational empiricist that allows me to use cognition and reason to solve problems? Or, do i use my heart? The greatest organ in my entire body that allows me to empathize, sympathize, and fantasize about all of the beauty that is in the world? I would guess that all three are important, but how could i possibly know when they are correct? Can all be correct at once? Truthfully, i know not of the answers to these questions. All i know is that this morning, i listened to my heart. I let myself fight through a day that i knew would be difficult, and i won.
Today i won a battle characterized by my depression. I won despite how difficult the day appeared at first glance. I faced the parts of me that were scared. I silenced the mind that would not be quiet. I accepted the challenge of a difficult day, and in the weakest moment, i discovered a reason to smile, a reason to live, and a reason to fight for my happiness even when there was no clear reason to keep fighting. I can't tell any of you the easiest way to fight for your brighter tomorrow. I also cannot help any of you find one good thing in every day or tell you that there is a way to end the war that happens inside of you. All i can tell you is that the possibilities are endless, your potential is flawless, and that everyday is a battle that can potentially win your war.
"May the odds be forever in your favor" and never give up on your fight for happiness.
My name is Morgan and I have a passion for writing, just as I have a passion for supporting those that suffer from various mental health concerns. I fully believe that each day is brand new and we can do with it as we wish. Mental illness is crippling, and you may lose the battle but that does not mean that you will lose the war. Keep fighting and know that you are not, and never will be, alone.