I often find myself reminiscing about past experiences at one in the morning. Sometimes i remember them so vividly that i can physically feel myself immersed in that moment all over again. It mostly happens when i read my past writing. Today i found myself re-reading and analyzing my previous journal entries. Now, when i say previous, i mean at the ages of eighteen all the way through to now. Today i read one that i wrote when i was nineteen. At this point i had recently started my job as a Crisis Intervention Worker at a domestic violence shelter for abused women and children. I worked there until i was 21. It's the one job that i know i will always miss no matter where i go. There is so many names and faces that i will never forget and so many experiences i will always remember. There were tears i wiped off of the broken, and warm embraces i provided for the shattered. I passed along smiles and gratitude to all of the people that crossed my path and gave all of the support in my being to those who were fighting their war, striving toward a brighter future. At that time in my life, everyone was focused on finding the love of their lives, but i had already found mine- It was my job.
I often think back and ask myself why i ever left if i loved it so much. In retrospect it seemed like the piece of the puzzle that was always missing from my life. I had found it. It was part of me for two years and then i let it go. Why? Well, the best answer that i have for that question is that some things are given to you for temporary growth. Some things just work out. They feel right and effortless. They fit perfectly into our imperfect worlds. They emerge in the middle of a storm and give you exactly what you need to make it through the night. The job was a blessing; a blessing that came in the midst of a storm that i felt would last forever, and a blessing that reminded me that nothing was permanent- not my storm, and certainly not my struggles.
On July 10, 2014, i wrote something that i wholeheartedly credit to my job at the time. It read,
"I remember last year when i felt like i was a bottomless pit. It was a bottomless pit that i felt could not be filled with anything. Nothing would make it better. Then i remember to four years ago when that same bottomless, emptiness could only be filled with substances that would give me a good buzz-the ones that could put my mind at rest for even a little while. A little while was always better than the alternative. But then i think about today. I think about now. I still feel the pit in my stomach, but there is an end. It is funny how life can give you the same issues four years later and the same feelings, but they somehow become easier to deal with- all because i know how i feel. Finally, in the midst of my despair, i recognize that there is also clarity. I know that even though i hurt right now that i wont forever. I know that everything happens for a reason. I know that i will hurt again but that beautiful people don't just happen. Life is like an art gallery. Some pieces take your breath away. You lose yourself in the moment and the beauty. You are mesmerized. There's a million different explanations and interpretations of the same piece of work. Some people feel utterly amazed and other people spend hours analyzing and picking each piece apart. But at the end of the day, everyone goes home and they close their eyes and remember something different about every piece. Some of them we remember as dull and dark. Some we can remember with intensity because they spoke our own language, and some we hold with us forever, because in all of their simplicity, they gave us something that we didn't have before we saw it. Sometimes we gaze at the pieces alone, sometimes with someone else, and sometimes with lots of people. But, regardless of who is standing beside you in that moment, who values the same artistic qualities, or who goes home thinking of the same pieces, you are the one with the memory. The memory is your own and that's really all that life is. It's a bunch of memories that we have the capacity to make beautiful."
My previous job, just as everything in my rear view mirror, i see as stepping stones that lead me to bigger and brighter places. No matter the nature of your stepping stones-whether it is a job, or a relationship, or a friend, or a dark time in your life, just remember that you alone have the capacity to make your memories beautiful. You have the capacity to make your life beautiful. Puzzles are a part of life. We spend years putting them together, but some pieces are only meant to be temporary. Sometimes all we need to do to move on is to let go of the parts of us that were temporary. I know it is easier said than done, but i will give you a hint- they are the pieces of you that you wouldn't keep in your own art gallery. They are the pieces that take away from the masterpiece that is your life. Let go of those pieces and find the full potential of your life. Don't settle for mediocre. Don't settle for comfortable. Don't settle for temporary.
My name is Morgan and I have a passion for writing, just as I have a passion for supporting those that suffer from various mental health concerns. I fully believe that each day is brand new and we can do with it as we wish. Mental illness is crippling, and you may lose the battle but that does not mean that you will lose the war. Keep fighting and know that you are not, and never will be, alone.